Finding

I have found myself at a loss of what to do sometimes. I feel panicked and then I either lash out verbally or say something horrible. I go through the motions, call my family and then friends. Not all family though, only certain ones who listen to me complain. I feel like one day I will eventually go through with my emotional thoughts. Sporadic ideas that like to creep into the forefront of my mind. I wish I could drown them out with alcohol sometimes. Or maybe a cigarette even though I know that is not healthy. I am in a two year program right now where smoking and drinking. Really anything empairing is not allowed. This is hard and frustrating me greatly. I want so badly to be alone, just completely alone. To only see people if and when I want to but only for less than 5 minutes. I hope that one day I can be in a happy place where I can have no human contact. Sometimes I wonder if that means, “death?”