Whatever you’re doing in this life. wherever you are at. Are you happy? Are you living or just merely existing day by day through survival? I have had many times in my life where I needed to do a self check and really evaluate what I was doing. As I sit here in this motel room in Missouri, eating a snack of baby carrots and broccoli with dressing. I think about a lot of the decisions that I have made thus far in my life.
Have I really been living my best life? Sometimes I feel like I was and other times I feel like I wasnt. Did I leave my small hometown? Yes. I watched a video on minimalist living and was inspired to get rid of everything I had. Except for a suitcase and carry-on. I got myself a rental car and drove across the country by myself. It was fun, scary, exciting, lonely, weird…just everything that you could imagine. I ended up first in Utah at my friend’s home then I flew out to California. Through a lot of trial and errors, I finally landed on my feet with a secure job. I made lot’s of friends a long the way and even got into a relationship.
But still…I didn’t feel like my whole true self. I always felt like I was just merely having to adapt in order to not cause friction. My hope today and every day after this, is that we can be our true selves. I am working on getting back to the me that I used to be and want to be. The me that laughs hard and loves often. The me who is not afraid to start fresh and keep learning. Never stop watching cartoons or dancing in the rain! Be kind to yourself and let your inner voice be kind as well. I hope that you know that you are beautiful and weird and that it is a good thing!!! As someone who battles with bipolar depression, I know that everyday is a fight. Please keep fighting!! Also..if you don’t mind, can you please leave little kind comments on my page. I’ll do the same for you. Sometimes that’s all that you need to remind you that things get better 🙂
A while ago, I watched a Ted talk on Youtube. It was called, “The Magic Of Not Giving A F**K”, by Sarah Knight. It has got to be one of the best Ted Talks that I have ever watched or listened to.
See, most of my life I spent way too much time caring about what people did or said. I’m not going to tell you that I stopped caring completely. No, or course not completely..I’m only human after all. However, I started practicing the art of, “Not giving a F**K”, about things that I cannot change. For example, my family. I have family that I love and family that I do not love as much as the others. That is something that I cannot change because they are part of my DNA. They had no choice in being related to me either. I’m sure if they had the chance they would probably not want to be related Lol. Another thing that I cannot change is my height. Growing up, I used to wish to be a lot shorter than I was. I thought that being shorter was more appealing. Especially to the boys in my high school. I’d always hear them say, ” I’d like to date someone who was a lot shorter than me”. Being that I was taller than most girls my age and a bit lanky, I knew that I had no chance with them. Did I care about not being able to date them? No, not really. I was more into Lance Bass from Nsync. I would learn later on in life, that Lance Bass was not into vagina At All So began my infatuation with men that did not like vagina.
Back to my point, I learned and am still learning to stop giving all my F**Ks out. F**Ks are not cheap and should not be given to anybody and everybody. Do you ever notice how exhausted you get when you worry about everything? All the He said She said in your world. Worrying about who likes you and who thinks you look like what? Giving out F**Ks is what causes stress in the first place. So stop giving out F**Ks and distress your life. Life is too short, too beautiful, too important to be stressed and tired. I have enough of that to worry about by just having to deal with Lupus. I am here to tell you to keep all the F**Ks to yourself and not worry about people who don’t want to like you. If they cannot take the time to see how beautiful inside and out that you are. Those people are not the kinds of people who you need to have in your circle. You need to be happy. Happiness is not a want, it is a NEED. Happiness makes your body function properly. Look it up, it’s a proven scientific fact. You prosper when you are happy. You prosper when you redirect your focus. So redirect your F**Ks and start giving a F**K about things and people that Matter.
If no one told you this today, You are important, You matter and you deserve to be happy.
So as I lay here on my hospital bed recovering from a bunch of traumas including a strep infection. I can’t help but look over to a bedazzled and glittered picture frame. Inside it on crisp middle school paper reads, “Yass Queen”. I made it. I made this. I wanted to make something look as if a unicorn threw up on a picture frame and I accomplished it. Growing up, playing with glitter was a big no no! My mom would say, don’t you bring that glitter or play dough home! She hated those things because she said that it took so long to get off the carpet. I’m imagining that play dough and glitter were made by a grown up kid who hated their parents. Who wanted to one day get back at all the parents that try to suck the life out of play time. As an aunt, never a parent, Ha…I found glitter to be a bit…..messy…as well. I know, I know…I probably should love to play with it. I do enjoy glitter and play dough but only as long as I am the one playing. My ocd won’t allow me to play with glitter with other people. God I love him so much, but even my nephew had to learn the hard way. Auntie doesn’t like a mess because auntie will spend hours cleaning and scrubbing that mess. I wish that I hadn’t of been so ocd with him when he was growing up. Pulling out a million napkins and cleanx all the time. Wiping hands and faces and mouths. Telling him, “No baby don’t do that!” I wish now that I had not cared so much about mess and let him play. He is now growing into a big boy and I just want him to have fun in play time. Heck, I want to have more fun in play time!!! I want to make a mess and not care about it! I want to eat ice cream without grabbing a million napkins. I think from now on, I’m going to try to not be so ocd. I’m going to try to just live life with more openness. I’m going to make more unicorn barf picture frames and bedazzle the heck out of life!!!
I have found myself at a loss of what to do sometimes. I feel panicked and then I either lash out verbally or say something horrible. I go through the motions, call my family and then friends. Not all family though, only certain ones who listen to me complain. I feel like one day I will eventually go through with my emotional thoughts. Sporadic ideas that like to creep into the forefront of my mind. I wish I could drown them out with alcohol sometimes. Or maybe a cigarette even though I know that is not healthy. I am in a two year program right now where smoking and drinking. Really anything empairing is not allowed. This is hard and frustrating me greatly. I want so badly to be alone, just completely alone. To only see people if and when I want to but only for less than 5 minutes. I hope that one day I can be in a happy place where I can have no human contact. Sometimes I wonder if that means, “death?”
A Lot of things have been happening lately. Starting a new second job, meeting two guys on a dating site and catching up with an old childhood friend. So I go to church today, a new church that is more accepting of people unlike my moms church. I had a great time, my nephew went to Sunday school and I sang along with the praise group. After church was over I collected my nephew from Sunday school and proceeded to walk into the parking garage. As I was walking to my car, I noticed an older man sitting in a chair in the hot sun sweating. He asked me if I had any change and I literally gave him my last dollar and probably 55 cents. I didn’t count the change just gave it to him. Previously I had three dollars, one for my nephews offering and one for my offering. He thanked me as he wiped the sweat from his forehead and reached up for a hug, so I leaned down and embraced his sweaty hug. As I walked away I thought to myself, that could have been somebody’s grandfather. I arrived at my car and got in and put the key in the ignition. It bucked a little bit but then ran smooth. I made sure my nephew had his seat belt on and then we drove away singing along to Adele. I had gone a couple of blocks, thinking that I would treat my nephew to chicken tacos and a walk through the park. Boy was I wrong because no sooner did I put my foot on the gas to go, a big puff of smoke erupted from the front of my car. I immediately put on my hazards and signaled other drivers to drive around me. Some drivers still pulled up behind me even after they saw my hazards and that I had stopped. Pulling up along side of me to give me dirty looks. I reminded myself thA Lot of things have been happening lately. Starting a new second job, meeting two guys on a dating site and catching up with an old childhood friend. So I go to church today, a new church that is more accepting of people unlike my moms church. I had a great time, my nephew went to Sunday school and I sang along with the praise group. After church was over I collected my nephew from Sunday school and proceeded to walk into the parking garage. As I was walking to my car, I noticed an older man sitting in a chair in the hot sun sweating. He asked me if I had any change and I literally gave him my last dollar and probably 55 cents. I didn’t count the change just gave it to him. Previously I had three dollars, one for my nephews offering and one for my offering. He thanked me as he wiped the sweat from his forehead and reached up for a hug, so I leaned down and embraced his sweaty hug. As I walked away I thought to myself, that could have been somebody’s grandfather. I arrived at my car and got in and put the key in the ignition. It bucked a little bit but then ran smooth. I made sure my nephew had his seat belt on and then we drove away singing along to Adele. I had gone a couple of blocks, thinking that I would treat my nephew to chicken tacos and a walk through the park. Boy was I wrong because no sooner did I put my foot on the gas to go, a big puff of smoke erupted from the front of my car. I immediately put on my hazards and signaled other drivers to drive around me. Some drivers still pulled up behind me even after they saw my hazardat I had just come from church and I was determined to not get a sour mood. I drove my car off the road and into the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant and an auto shop. I saw a man and woman standing there so I asked if they could help. To my surprise the woman knew exactly what was wrong and what I needed to do. The man who I later found out was her husband, his best idea was to get some tape and tape up the hose. I called my brother who was attending a different church and he arrived shortly after they had gone on their way. He was definitely a jerk about the whole thing and tried to say it was my fault that the mechanic didn’t do a good job. Can you believe that? I tried my best to bite my tongue and let my brother do his best to repair my car. After buying a new part and standing in the sun to watch him fix it, I made the long drive back home. My nephew asked if we were still going to the park and I let him know that unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to. I hate disappointing him and I know that he doesn’t have many other little kids to play with. When we got home it was about 4 pm so I fixed him his dinner and we sat and ate. Now he is watching a documentary on sharks and I am typing away. As I said in the beginning, I just started a new second job and my primary job starts soon. I hope that my car will hold up until I can afford to get a better one.
Well today is the anniversary of finding out that my father had been dead for 4 days. Not missing as we had once thought. Believing that he had finally abandoned us and leaving us penniless. I didn’t bother to share this info with my co-worker because he is already very nosy as it is. Do I miss my father? Yes and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have him around in the year 2015. What he would think about having a black president and that gay marriage is now legal. My father was very old-fashioned with his morals and thinking’s. Time heals all wounds and memories never fade. One interesting fact I learned this past weekend is that my father’s father was born in Dublin Ireland. I never would have suspected that I had Irish in my family. Chinese and Jamaican ancestry yes but its exciting to know that there is also Irish in my blood too.
I twist this way and that way, stretching up to the sky. I reach for higher ground and something stable. You knock on the door and I will open and allow you in. Then we dance with the rhythm of a thousand nations. We bend and flow across the floor, sweeping shadows as we go. I feel your love and you are mine. I feel your love so merciful and kind. Never questioning never cruel. Your warmth ripples down my spine and I sink into your love. You shine through the darkest nights and show me the way. I praise the day we met and am forever grateful. Never again will I sit in the dark assuming no one cares. You are all that I need to be free. Your truth is never-changing, your ways are filled with grace. I am forever grateful.
I went threw a whole day with no anxiety or depression. I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I went from not being able to leave my house to getting up early and holding a job. Its been a couple of months that I am hoping will turn into a couple of years. Work was long but good. Although I was very drowsy being that I didn’t sleep well last night. I haven’t slept good in a long time but I don’t want to become addicted to sleeping pills. I spoke to my case manager today, hearing from her is always good. She is working on helping me find a new therapist and support groups. Unfortunately there is no support group for Ptsd where I live. Maybe one day I will start one. Well that is all for now. Remember you deserve life and love.
Peace and blessings Keziah Avriel
I am but a lonely soul drifting off in the distance. I like to stretch and curl with the wind as sunlight beams across my face. Warmth from a relentless sun as I sip cool water from a glass as rainbows dance across it. I am a child of the most high. I am a seeker of hope. Days turn to weeks and yet he gives us the mercy of still being among the living. I pray for peace, I pray for relief for those who are in pain. I hope for a day where we can all come together and be filled with love.